honest to blog

life hands me lemons I make beef stew

2011-06-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

With every mistake and experience we learn. But you can't learn if you aren't experiencing. I don't mean book smarts, anyone can have book smarts, read something, retain it and viola that makes you smart. Not. Life is about experiences, and I never realized that before. In high school I had a quote on my binder, "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." I remember I thought it was so cool. How cool would it be to have so many amazing moments that they literally take your breath away? I realize now good and bad moments can take your breath away. But you can get good out of all your experiences.

Seeing someone for who they really are, seeing the pain someone can cause someone else really can take your breath away. Or literally make you sick. Either way it's not a good feeling. Four months and one week ago I was sitting in a strange bedroom in Jackson, NJ feeling happy, excited, nervous, proud, a little sad, but mostly lucky to have the experiences that the following 6-7 months would bring. And now 4 months and 1 week later I sit in a completely different bedroom, one that I've spent a lot of time in the last 4 months in, but yet it's a bedroom I had yet to really look at. But now I see this room as somewhere safe with people who didn't have to do anything for me are standing up for me like they're my own family. And people who swore they would treat me like their own are trying to slander my name and kicked me out of their house to stand on a dark street at 1am. It's funny how the truth always comes out and peoples true personalities get shown.

If I could redo the last 4 months I would do them a little differently. I wouldn't have gone back home in April, I would have tried to save more money, I would have gone to all the baseball games I wanted to, I would have gone to Maryland and visited J.Lowe and most of all I would have looked for another job sooner. There's nothing I can do that will change what has happened, what's been done is done, what's been said has been said and there's no going back from here. Only moving forward. I wouldn't have changed moving out here though. It's been an amazing experience regardless and I probably wouldn't trade it for anything. I made a mistake and I learned. I grew up a lot by being here and I figured out somethings about myself and the world that I didn't know 4 months and 1 week ago.

I've always been told I had a good judge of character, but I am starting to doubt that with everything I have. I think I have a good enough sense of people in the sense that they won't cause harm to me, physically, or they won't murder me. But I suppose I don't see the lies or dishonesty very well. It was very enlightening to see bi-polar aspects in someone on a day to day basis but then see them in a minute to minute instance. Or maybe she's just a really confused actress. Having someone stand before me, crying, begging me to stay because through everything she still adores me and knows her children do too, and then in the next sentence she's standing there with a smile telling me I'm sick spouting vicious hurtful things to me really shows me who she is.

I was asked in the middle of all this how I always get involved in some sort of drama. And honestly, I don't know. I think people like me enough, and usually most people do. I usually don't have problems with people that come into my life but there have definitely been some trying relationships in the last couple of years. I feel like the people that always say they hate drama and have no room for it are the people that actually feed off of it and live for it, so I'm just going to put this out there now universe, I LOVE drama and want it in my life everyday. [I hope you can see the sarcasm.] The person I have lived with and worked for, in the last 4 months told me right up front that she hates drama and doesn't have time for it, but she's the biggest gossip and loves to over react about everything. She also starts off most sentences with "I'm not judging them, but..." with a really rude judgement about someone's lifestyle following. That's what I don't understand. If you're going to judge someone at least have the decency to own your judgements. I judge people by their shoes all the time. We all make little judgements every single day but most of us can own it because we know they're silly, trivial things that make us laugh or cringe for a brief moment. I'm not judging people because they are raising their kids differently than other parents, or going through divorce, or where they live, or how much money they have, or their parents lifestyles.

But after two long days of back and forth drama between people who had no business being involved in anything that was going on, I have my stuff, my suitcases are packed, I'm staying with a friend and his amazing family and I'm ready for the next learning experience. Whatever that means anymore.

Up in the air

2011-05-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm currently flying Southwest from Philadelphia to Denver, and then catching a connection to San Diego. I'm so excited to be home. Of course I miss my family and all the good things about San Diego but a part of me is sad about leaving the East Coast. Not to mention the looming date that I might be leaving the east coast to go back to San Diego in July. I don't want to think about that though.

Technology is pretty crazy if you think about it. I'm updating this from a plane. So cool. I just updated my facebook and twitter while on an airplane. I mean that's not that important. people don't really care what I'm doing while I'm 45,000 feet (probably 44,000) up in the air but the fact that I can is a pretty rad idea. If you could tell people in the 50's that they could update their twitter from an airplane one day from a laptop, they would have asked "What's a twitter and a laptop?" but that's besides the point. I'm rambling.

I'm about an hour outside of Denver and I'll be happy when I'm home. excited to see my family, excited to see my brother graduate high school and excited to see my baby sister get all dressed up for her harbor cruise. She's 13, soon to be 14 and I still remember being her age and going to my own harbor cruise. I wouldn't go back in time and redo that, ever. But it's nice to reminisce and nice that she's going through it now.

we all mistakes

2010-09-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

I know I've written about every moment meaning something and I truly mean it. Because we can't say what if, because we'll never know. There isn't a time machine or looking glass that will show us what if. I believe I am who am because of every decision and moment in my life. The last three years of my life have been difficult. I've learned who I am, and what I want. I lost one of my absolute best friends in January of 2008 and although I miss him everyday and think about him most everyday I wouldn't be who I am and have learned what I learned without having lost him.

I don't know who I would be if he had lived. I don't know if I would be better off or worse but I'm okay with not knowing. I'm okay with what my life is becoming and although I've made some mistakes along the way I do know even if he were here I would have made mistakes. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes them. No one is perfect, so I'm okay with who I'm becoming learning everyday a little bit more about myself and what I want.

What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to be sane. I want to love (not necessarily be IN love, but just love people and care about people in my life). I want to visit places I've never been. I want the Padres to win. I want the best for the people I care about. I want to listen to good music, laugh at funny jokes, dance until the clubs close, and be with people who mean the world to me.

I have to remember that Shawn would want the same for me. He would want me to be happy, and although our friends don't always understand what I'm doing and how I'm choosing to move on, I know that I'm moving on. Everyday I'm making decisions and enjoying the life that I've been given. I'm living the life I have and trying not to dwell on the things that have happened in the past.

I'm learning. I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive.

difference in age

2010-07-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

I remember being thirteen and having someone who was sixteen tell me how big of a difference there was between thirteen and sixteen. I responded with “Yeah three years and a drivers license.”

I thought I was so funny.

Did I really think that was the only difference? Three years and a drivers license. That seems like so little of a difference. If I could talk to my thirteen year old self I wonder what she would think of me now. Ten years ago. She was a scared little girl doing whatever she could to fit in. She felt awkward, ugly and like everything was fall down around her. I obviously know, I was her.

I think now, how big of a difference three years makes. There’s a huge difference between sixteen and nineteen, nineteen and twenty two. I can hardly even remember being eighteen anymore, and it was only five years ago, I can only imagine how life changes as we get older. I don’t think I ever really realize it until I had to lived it. At eighteen I didn’t think there was any difference between being eighteen and twenty but there is, there’s a maturity that comes with age, what someone chooses to do with it is up to them. If someone told me when I was eighteen that I’d be a completely different person when I was twenty three I would have told them it was bullshit. I could never have foreseen the changes in my life. I still can’t see the future and I don’t doubt right now that I’ll be changed when I’m thirty, and again at forty. Not a completely changed and different person but obviously a wiser person with a little more experience.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my teenage self not to be so resistant to change, advice and thought provoking decisions.

the randoms of my mind

2010-06-17T12:14:00.001-07:00

It’s funny how one day can change everything. How one moment can change everything. One thought. One question. One action. Everything someone does can have the domino effect on everything else.

I’m here, and I’m alive and I question every day if I’ve done something to deserve this. I question if the choices I’ve made have given me this life, or if the choices other people around me have given me this life. Am I in charge of my own destiny? Am I in charge of everything that happens in my life? If I could foresee a car crash I was going to get into in the future, would I have the ability to change it? Would I be living everyday scared that I was going to get into that accident? Could I be prepared for it? Would I be able to avoid it? Or by trying to avoid it would I get into a worse accident? In your life and in your death, does it all really matter?

As a little girl, every adult in my life warned me about strangers. As an adult, all I ever do is meet strangers. Everyone says I have an excellent judge of character but I’m beginning to question my ability. There’s no way one can possibly hold up their guard for every minute of every day. The guard slips once in awhile. I could meet people that have a huge impact on my life, or even for just a brief moment. Every moment means something. Every blink and breath is important. Every choice I make amounts to something. Maybe it’s just something to me, or maybe it makes a difference to someone else. But it means something. We’re here. We know right from wrong, but we still make decisions hoping they’ll turn out for the best.

It's just another day

2010-05-04T02:12:00.000-07:00

It's a new day, I'm another year older and yet I don't feel much different. I'm 23 now. It's not an exciting birthday, I have no big plans, going for a 20+ mile bike ride, hanging out on the beach, going out to dinner with some people and then going to watch the baseball game to watch the Padres play ball.

It's not a milestone birthday, I don't feel the need to go out and go crazy this year. It feels good though. I feel a little more grown up I guess, but I don't think it's the whole birthday thing. I'm pretty sure it's the span of the entire year and the situations I've been in.

I like getting older, it means I'm still alive and living. Obviously, that's a good thing. It also happens to be International Star Wars Day, which is kind of ironic since I've never seen a Star Wars movie in my life. May the Fourth be with you.

They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery...

2010-04-30T00:36:00.001-07:00

I don't think I believe it. I don't often get jealous of people, what they have, what they've done or things they desire. Sure there's times when I think, "oh that'd be cool to have." or "I would love to go there." But I'm generally happy with my life that I don't need to live vicariously through other people. I don't understand people that do. I mean people that legitimately do.

Live your own life, don't do what people tell you to do, or expect you to do. Do what makes you happy. You can't go around falling prey to peer pressure. You may be young, but you know right from wrong. There must be something in your head telling you who you really are, what you really want want/need/expect...

Are you really this person? Have you only let yourself become some fabrication of what you think people want to see? Do you have any original thoughts of your own? Do you need attention that badly? I almost feel sorry for you. You need so much attention and validation for every action you do I'm not even sure you're a real person. You say you are different, you say you're unique, but in your struggles to be "so" different, in reality, you're exactly the same.

Wandering

2010-04-21T00:34:00.000-07:00

Getting lost
Expensive cost
Such a waste
Searching fast
Digging deeper

Darkness falls
Creeps and calls
Haunting memory
Obvious stress
Rash words

Falling rushed
Lungs crushed
Breathing quick
So insufficient
Much deprived

Creating weakness
Caused by bleakness
Brain erased
Completely dazed
Ultimate breakdown

Lost, confused
Alone and bruised

Something I wrote, probably 4+ years ago that I found today. I wrote it, and I don't even get it really.

If I was to marry

2010-02-23T00:29:00.000-08:00

If for some strange reason I ever decided to settle down with one person and get married I'd want him to be exactly like Rob from "High Fidelity." I seriously mean exactly like Rob. I want him to have elitist views on life. I want him to have a record collection that he arranges according to events in his life. I want him to have a record collection. I want him to make top five lists for nearly everything. I want him to break the fourth wall. I guess I could live without the whole cheating on me, borrowing four grand, and getting me pregnant. But I wouldn't be opposed to him looking like John Cusack.