difference in age

I remember being thirteen and having someone who was sixteen tell me how big of a difference there was between thirteen and sixteen. I responded with “Yeah three years and a drivers license.”

I thought I was so funny.

Did I really think that was the only difference? Three years and a drivers license. That seems like so little of a difference. If I could talk to my thirteen year old self I wonder what she would think of me now. Ten years ago. She was a scared little girl doing whatever she could to fit in. She felt awkward, ugly and like everything was fall down around her. I obviously know, I was her.

I think now, how big of a difference three years makes. There’s a huge difference between sixteen and nineteen, nineteen and twenty two. I can hardly even remember being eighteen anymore, and it was only five years ago, I can only imagine how life changes as we get older. I don’t think I ever really realize it until I had to lived it. At eighteen I didn’t think there was any difference between being eighteen and twenty but there is, there’s a maturity that comes with age, what someone chooses to do with it is up to them. If someone told me when I was eighteen that I’d be a completely different person when I was twenty three I would have told them it was bullshit. I could never have foreseen the changes in my life. I still can’t see the future and I don’t doubt right now that I’ll be changed when I’m thirty, and again at forty. Not a completely changed and different person but obviously a wiser person with a little more experience.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my teenage self not to be so resistant to change, advice and thought provoking decisions.

the randoms of my mind

It’s funny how one day can change everything. How one moment can change everything. One thought. One question. One action. Everything someone does can have the domino effect on everything else.

I’m here, and I’m alive and I question every day if I’ve done something to deserve this. I question if the choices I’ve made have given me this life, or if the choices other people around me have given me this life. Am I in charge of my own destiny? Am I in charge of everything that happens in my life? If I could foresee a car crash I was going to get into in the future, would I have the ability to change it? Would I be living everyday scared that I was going to get into that accident? Could I be prepared for it? Would I be able to avoid it? Or by trying to avoid it would I get into a worse accident? In your life and in your death, does it all really matter?

As a little girl, every adult in my life warned me about strangers. As an adult, all I ever do is meet strangers. Everyone says I have an excellent judge of character but I’m beginning to question my ability. There’s no way one can possibly hold up their guard for every minute of every day. The guard slips once in awhile. I could meet people that have a huge impact on my life, or even for just a brief moment. Every moment means something. Every blink and breath is important. Every choice I make amounts to something. Maybe it’s just something to me, or maybe it makes a difference to someone else. But it means something. We’re here. We know right from wrong, but we still make decisions hoping they’ll turn out for the best.

It's just another day

It's a new day, I'm another year older and yet I don't feel much different. I'm 23 now. It's not an exciting birthday, I have no big plans, going for a 20+ mile bike ride, hanging out on the beach, going out to dinner with some people and then going to watch the baseball game to watch the Padres play ball.

It's not a milestone birthday, I don't feel the need to go out and go crazy this year. It feels good though. I feel a little more grown up I guess, but I don't think it's the whole birthday thing. I'm pretty sure it's the span of the entire year and the situations I've been in.

I like getting older, it means I'm still alive and living. Obviously, that's a good thing. It also happens to be International Star Wars Day, which is kind of ironic since I've never seen a Star Wars movie in my life. May the Fourth be with you.

They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery...

I don't think I believe it. I don't often get jealous of people, what they have, what they've done or things they desire. Sure there's times when I think, "oh that'd be cool to have." or "I would love to go there." But I'm generally happy with my life that I don't need to live vicariously through other people. I don't understand people that do. I mean people that legitimately do.

Live your own life, don't do what people tell you to do, or expect you to do. Do what makes you happy. You can't go around falling prey to peer pressure. You may be young, but you know right from wrong. There must be something in your head telling you who you really are, what you really want want/need/expect...

Are you really this person? Have you only let yourself become some fabrication of what you think people want to see? Do you have any original thoughts of your own? Do you need attention that badly? I almost feel sorry for you. You need so much attention and validation for every action you do I'm not even sure you're a real person. You say you are different, you say you're unique, but in your struggles to be "so" different, in reality, you're exactly the same.

If I was to marry

If for some strange reason I ever decided to settle down with one person and get married I'd want him to be exactly like Rob from "High Fidelity." I seriously mean exactly like Rob. I want him to have elitist views on life. I want him to have a record collection that he arranges according to events in his life. I want him to have a record collection. I want him to make top five lists for nearly everything. I want him to break the fourth wall. I guess I could live without the whole cheating on me, borrowing four grand, and getting me pregnant. But I wouldn't be opposed to him looking like John Cusack.